“We accept the love we think we deseve” – Perks of being a wallflower.
This quote marked me since i heard it. I heard it in a movie. Why some simple words had so much impact in me? It is just a quote, i read or hear lots of them all the time and none of them had made such an impact. I realized it meant that we only see a reflect of ourselves in other people and that we accept what we really feel for us.
I saw then that I’ve been with a lot of wrong people in my life. Friends and relationships that you could call “toxic”. Why i was with them? Because i thought that was what i deserve. Even though i knew when they didn’t treat me right, i thought it was love because that was how much i loved myself. I didn’t like myself so i thought i should be with people who treated me poorly. Mainly they were troubled, with issues and i thought that needed help.
There is a research about apples that explains that if you have a bunch of apples and one of them is rotten, the rest of them are going to do the same. This because the first apple started to generate a gas called Ethylene, that is produced when the fruit is rotting. And it make the other apples produce it and they get rotten.
This happens with people too. A toxic person, makes another like them and so it goes on. If you surround yourself with toxic people, you are more likely to become one of them too.
People become toxic because all sorts of reasons, maybe some grew in a toxic environment and they create one because that is what they know as “love”, others because of insecurities and/or low self esteem and there are lots of other reasons. So you have to identify if you are with this kind of people, so you can to avoid becoming one. This are some red flags that you have a toxic relationship:You think this person is more important than your own happiness.
- You make bad choices because of the influence they have on you
- Everything is always your fault
- You feel guilty after spending time with this people
- They make you feel less and not worthy with actions and/or comments
- You separate from friends and family because of this individual (s)
If people like this are surrounding your life, be careful and ask yourself if it really is what you wanted. I put up with this a long time because i had the tendency of being with people that needed help and had issues because i wanted to ignore my own issues. Helping others made me feel better and then i fell into the pattern of looking for people i thought i could “change” and that, maybe, eventually they would stop being toxic. Other times i felt guilt and pity for the other person so even though i knew it wasn’t good for me, i couldn’t leave them. Or just because they were in my social group and i had to deal with them constantly and i wanted to avoid conflict, but the most important reason of all is that I thought i didn’t deserve being happy because i didn’t love myself.
Being in this type of relationships also have a GREAT impact on health. In my case, they were physically and mentally issues. The physical ones were fatigue, i’ve always felt drained, like if someone just suck all my energy. The mental ones started with anxiety. Being with a big group of people (especially unknown) made me feel anxious and stressed and so i got nervous gastritis. Then depression came. I didn’t enjoy any activities, I preferred staying in my room or go out and party to forget everything . My performance in school went from bad to worst. My depression started to grow and grow until i didn’t even like myself so i started having an eating disorder. After my parents and I realize something was not right, I got professional help and pull me out of that dark whole. Making me see I needed to get rid of the toxicity even though it meant that only a few friends would remain, but they would be the good ones.
Today i’m still cleaning my life of all those toxic relations. Now I know my worth, I don’t need people in my life that make me feel less and underappreciated. You have to fix yourself before trying fixing other people. Stop focusing on others and focus on you. Maybe it sound selfish but we DO need selfishness sometimes. We need to think in what we need in order to be at peace with ourselves. I surround myself with positive people that make me happy. Do healthy activities that release stress and clear your minds. Last but not least always remember: Pain is not love.
photo credit: we heart it.
Love and Stuff... 